Monday, October 31

You Mean So Much To Me

Heavenly Arms - El Perro Del Mar (Lou Reed cover)

Friday, October 21

letting it all go

It's Gonna Be (Alright) - Ween

Thursday, October 13

don't worry

I would have to regard this cleanse as a success! 
Mentally and physical I have never felt better!
I did buy a pass to Bikram so I can continue to go as often as I have been (and my body will continue to thank me, I have never felt so amazing). I am also going to continue not dating.... for a long while...... there is nothing wrong with being alone, in fact I really love dating myself!
I just feel good about my state of being and I can honestly say that for the first time in I don't know how long
inside and out, bones to skin!

Wednesday, September 28

Protect me from what I want

Instead of focusing on all the vices I am failing at,  lets discuss first what I am actually doing right. I have been doing lots of yoga and over all I feel awesome about it. All my postures are improving in strength and flexibility, my digestion has never been better and my skin is breaking out in weird places (due to all the sweat), its just amazing. There are some goals I want to reach within my 30 day yoga challenge and they are as follows; 1: My biggest weakness is my hamstrings, I have little to no flexibility when it comes to touching my feet because my hamstrings are locked up tight (is this ballets fault?). However, every yoga session they do loosen up a smidgen and my hope is that by the time my 30 days is up, all those straight leg/toe touching postures are going to be as easy as spreading butter. 2: Attend one 6 am class. Twice I have gotten all my stuff ready, set my alarm and gone to bed with the resolution of doing yoga first thing in the morning. Then the alarm goes off and I am never convinced that yoga is better than sleep, but...I am going to do it once. 3:  Two consecutive yoga sessions......180 minutes? It sounds like a terrible idea, yet everyone says its amazing what you do in the second session.......what, like die from dehydration and finish out your session as a raisin shaped like your former self, because that would be amazing....
I haven't had any alcohol, this doesn't feel much like an accomplishment, because like I said, it was going to be the easiest to give up. I have had a few instances where I was like "Hey we should grab a drink" but then I remember and I'm like "Hey you should grab a drink because I have Bikram at 6 am."
NO eggs, no gelatin; I've just been super conscious of checking labels and eating tasty treats that I know are vegan, thus making it super easy to avoid eggs and gelatin.
I am getting referrals for some therapists, because that is definitely something you don't want to just Google search for. But, no I'm not in therapy yet.
NO dating, but I'm still obsessed with/texting and being sad over this one dude...(its lame but its honest). I wish getting a divorce made you completely impervious to this bullshit because I have paid my dues, I should never be bummed out over a dude, ever again...right?
Generally speaking I am down to one glorious cup of coffee a day. I have had a few days where I slipped up and drank two cups...listen, I'm not perfect....just damn close.
Everyday I am in the state of mind of "If I buy one would have to know." Its still a real struggle to not shop. I have purchased a new yoga towel (it's turquoise, need I say more) but seriously, with the amount I'm doing, I had to step up my game and get a legit yoga towel. Also, I went on a mini vacation this weekend to my families cabin in WY. When I was packing, my toiletry bag broke, so I had to get a new one....and I may have bought a Missoni for Target travel case....listen, its designer for Target prices, I was lucky I didn't walk out with the whole line.

Monday, September 19

Weekends are tough for lovers

As suspected, shopping has been very hard for this gal to give up...............
Saturday night, after a long weekend of catering to cheap ass Dine o Round, fondue patrons, I decided to stop by Target for some laundry soap. As any frequent Target shopper knows, you can't walk into that store and only purchase laundry soap. Immediately I walk in and browse through the clothes (cause Liz, remember how you are looking for that perfect denim shirt and Target probably has some denim shirts, so you should at least check those out...duh). I don't find what I'm looking for, but decide to head to the Men's section for shits and gigs and on my way, I stop and look at the underwear....I'm OBSESSED with underwear...I manage to collect a handful and I am ready to walk away, but decide better of it..... not because I remember my cleanse, oh no, only do I put them down because I remember I have the exact same underwear at home and I actual rationalize myself into thinking its a little ridiculous to buy more of the exact same ones, so..... I decide to go to Victoria's Secret in the morning, just to mix it up. Moving along I come across robes and Pajamas, I LOVE robes and Pajamas!! As such, I think my robe is looking a little bit sad, so I decide, that yes! I should buy the same robe, but in a different color, its just totally necessary, its science. As is purchasing a shorts and tank top set that beautifully matches my new robe color by no accident other than pure genius. I make it over to the Men's section and find a denim shirt that is so close to perfect, that I almost get it ....but I put it back, because its just not exactly right.
Then I head over to get some toiletries, because as a women I am entitled to new fewer than a hundred different kinds of beauty products which make all this pretty actually pretty.  As I decide between this shampoo and that, I can't help this nagging feeling of what exactly I came for in the first place. Because whatever that was, I actually needed it and if I leave without it, that would so suck (but would not be the first or last time it happened)... I purposefully stop in the isle and make a mental check list of all the things I have currently in my apartment; toilet paper, check; toothpaste, check; tampons, check...etc. etc. and then as a stiff breeze (that comes from where exactly is unbeknowst to me but knowest to Target) stirs the Gruyere from my hair and it hits me, I stink...I need to wash myself and my clothes, OH! laundry soap!!
As I leave the parking lot my brain suddenly starts working and screams...
I can't help feeling a little disappointed in myself, but manage to comfort my own shame by telling my head that despite how much my heart wants the matching PJ/Robe combo, that I must stick to my challenge and return these items in the morning. And by the time I have made it the few blocks to my apartment, I am resiged to making it right and I don't even take the bag inside. I fish out my toiletries and leave the rest in my car, slamming the door with such a feeling of accomplishment, I smile.
And then I hear another VICE call my name, literally......My cute neighbor, calls down from his balcony, like a real life Romeo beckoning to his shopaholic Juilette....
"Come up and have a beer" he says as if its no big deal.
Had it been any other day (even despite the fact I can never get over that he roller blades like its 1999 and that shit is still cool or something) I would have said ok, instead I say
"Aw, my hair stinks of cheese dude, maybe some other time." 
I head to my mailbox and grab out a pile of mail that may have been there all week... and I can't help feeling like I'm doing really well, despite my slight set back, I'm owning this cleanse! And there is nothing going to stand in my way....then I open my mail and find my new J.CREW credit card.........son of a bitch......

Thursday, September 15

Lets get real honest up in this bitch

Hey, yup, I'm posting this post for real, I honestly never thought I would post again, but stranger things have happened, so....
after a break, some self reflection (and maybe a divorce) this shit is about to get real. 
I plan on sharing some very personal things in the posts to come, so just get very excited about that. 
As for now, I am working on a 30 day cleanse of all my vices and as such I would like to share how that works out, in one forum that use to bring me such joy, writing! 
Is it strange that during the last few months I have had a major case of writers block? 
Many, many, many times I found myself sitting in front of the computer with a blank page staring at me and that cursor just taunting me with its stationary grin. I even had to stop writing for the music magazine I was only briefly writing for because honestly there was nothing in my head, but a mass amount of confusion. 
I'm not saying its all sorted, but I am working on that mess and this new 30 day cleanse is one way I am going about it, so lets talk about what I am giving up, replacing it with and why, shall we.......
Giving up
 There was a time I liked beer and really liked vodka. But these days, I am a red wine gal through and through. For those that don't drink, this will make no sense to you and I can say I don't drink a lot but any sort of drinking is a lot when you don't partake at all. 
Lets not argue,  lets just say there is validity to not consuming alcohol, which is why I am giving it up for thirty days (not forever) I can say, this will be the easiest of my vices to let go.

Eggs and Gelatin:
I have been off meat now for a year and I love it. I tried many times in the past to do this but went back to eating meat for various reasons, mostly which had to do with other people.
But this time it has stuck and it will for always be. 
I have many friends that are vegetarian; some of them eat eggs and some of them don't. Its all up to the person (as I think all dietary choices should be; eat meat, don't eat meat, its your choice.)
Initially, I didn't see the validity in not eating eggs other than I HATE them and refuse to consume them in their natural form. But, I wasn't very passionate about not eating eggs in food (because I swear they are in everything, especially everything tasty!) 
But alas, I'm giving up the ghost, no eggs in things and no gelatin too, for thirty days and then forever, I just needed a clean break... but lets be clear this doesn't make me vegan, that entails so many more things, like cheese and

This will be my hardest vice, which is why I know it will be so good to give it up for thirty days....even if it seems now an unfathomable challenge. Especially since these days I can and do almost purchase clothes daily, yup! just about. One of the good things it affords me, is working with what I already have in my closet (like that wedding dress that just sits there and serves as a remind of what an asshole I am). Plus, I will be able to see what I wear the most and what I can get rid of; in preparation for the free for all that will happen in 31 days. 
It will also be good to give up purchasing things for my apartment that I don't really need. 
It will hurt so good.

This will also be easy because dating is a shit show. Dudes really are servants of Satan with really great hair cuts. I mean seriously, why can't we make a movie or let a bitch know, that this shit sucks....
but really, I just don't need them or it in my life right now, so I am washing my hands of boys/men for at least thirty days...and then possibly forever...I'll keep you posted on that one. 

mmmmm k, I tried giving this up, made it four days.
I was even sharing this with my sister in law and she just said 
"WHY?!.. when I go to bed at night, the first thing I think about is that in the morning I get have a cup of Joe!"
And I too have these thoughts, last night as I was drifting to sleep all I could about was having coffee come the am. So... I have rationalized that I only drink black coffee, which is better than those sugared diabetic coma Venti beasts. Therefore, I am down to one glorious cup a day, which actually helps me enjoy it that much more, which I didn't think was even possible.

Replacing With
Alright, Alright, Alright, this here is what got me on my cleanse in the first place. Bikram Yoga or hot Yoga, is amazing! I love doing it and how it makes me feel. Initially I was thinking of things to give up that would help me feel better during that hour and half sweat fest and then it sort of snowballed into giving up things that I just felt I needed to.
A challenge to let go of things that were polluting me physically and mentally for thirty days; because I just purchased a thirty day unlimited yoga pass..... bada bing bada boom!
Instead of emotionally vomiting on my friends and any sad stranger that asks "so how are you" I decided to pay someone to emotionally vomit on or because I am paying them, actually vomit on. Which sounds like a weird fetish thing, but I just mean that when I get crying really hard, I sometimes vomit...anyone else?

Friday, April 22

Je ne savais pas où la maison a été jusqu'à Paris! vous avez mon coeur ..

after lunch we took in the Louvre...overwhelming is an understatement, not only is there millions of precious pieces of art  but the building its self is humbling....we spent hours inside and I was never sure I would be able to close my eyes again...then you exit and are greeted with just another sunset in big deal...
how can you not want to look at this everyday? 
The next day in Paris is one I will never taught me some amazing things about myself and just how good a friend Misty is and how much I love her! We survived Paris on 12 euros...we didn't just survive we took Paris by storm with only 12 euros to our name...its a long boring story and the only real story is you don't need money to have an amazing time in Paris...
Then it was time for Versaille
 know this....See Versaille before you will be a moment in life that can never be compared to other moments.... walking through the gardens of Versaille eating a panini
and then lounge by the lake watching people row boats and couples make a moment I will love forever.....even spending and entire day there was not enough, though I am certain that no matter the time you spent there, you will still feel a void when leaving...
I was very lucky to see Anthony on our last day in Paris...we got to meet all the dudes in the other bands, see him do his thing on stage, which looks like it does in the states but more French and best of all a bunch of us went to the Pere Lachaise cemetery before the show..its famous because famous people are buried there, but its also beautiful...but what about Paris isn't, I found myself constantly wondering.....

 Eidth Piaf

this is Jim Morrison grave, have you ever heard of him?

There were a million other moments before after and in between and the only thing I can do with myself is prepare for the return there, because I have left my heart and I will need to go get it as soon as possible.